From A Sinner, To A Dead Man
by serpensortia1
Summary: In order to find peace of mind, a letter and a birthday promise is sent - from Peter Pettigrew, to an old friend.


_Disclaimer: Is Harry Potter mine? Not at all. I only have copies of the books and a minor fixation on it.   
A/N: This is something that just felt like it needed to be written - a letter from a sinner to a dead man. I woke up with the idea and it wouldn't leave me alone. This is dedicated to all those who actually like Peter Pettigrew, just like me. ^-^_   


**From A Sinner, To A Dead Man**  


The twenty-seventh of January. His mind had been chanting it all day long; tomorrow would be that day, tomorrow would be the day that everything would always hit him full force. It hurt to know that the shame he felt today would triple in three hours time - for fourteen years it had been that way, and so there was no reason for it to change just this once.  
  
The Dark Lord had noticed his un-ease, and when the Dark Lord notices weakness you were punished. He wrung his hands in his old and tired looking robes, looking desperately about, whilst he smuggled the parchment and old muggle pen outside, to behind the decaying, broken garden wall. It was the furthest he could go without being accused of trying to run away.   
  
Just looking at the parchment made his small, blue eyes fill with tears, but he knew he had to do this. In the past he hadn't been able to; but now there was an opportunity. A small gap had been left open in his schedule, and despite knowing that if what he was about to write should ever come into his master's hand that he would not live, the need to explain himself was greater. He'd always known that this was something he wanted to do before he died, and well, the way things were going - the war would never be kind to him.   
  
Peter Pettigrew wiped his brow and chewed on the end of the pen, before shakily scrawling the first few words on the parchment; Dear James…  
  
***  
  
Dear James,  
  
I…I don't really know how to start this, I never was good with words like you or Remus. I don't think that time has changed that part of me, if anything I think I'm worse.   
  
It would be your birthday today…in all my years as a rat I always remembered your birthday. Sometimes I'd remember other people's too, but yours never left my mind. Your birthday always managed to be more spectacular than anyone else's - I think it was the way your face would light up when you opened your presents, it didn't matter what anyone brought you, you'd always be over the moon at any gift. It used to be a joke that myself and Sirius had going (not Remus though, he was always very secretive about what he brought people for birthdays - remember that?) that if I got stuck, I could always pick a stick up from the ground and attach an IOU note to it.   
  
You probably would have liked that; found it funny or something.   
  
Maybe that's why I'm writing this…James, I owe you - well your son, two lives. Normally I can forget about it; keep it at the back of my mind, but when it's your birthday it's impossible. Everywhere I go I can see your grinning face, laughing over some joke we'd played on Snape or whoever we'd decided needed taking down a peg or two that week.   
  
I'm sorry, so bloody sorry…I never meant for you to die, or Lily! I just made such a huge mistake, and I was scared James; I know I always had more stupid little fears than any of the others, but…I'd never been so afraid. It started at my office, someone noticed how I'd get letters with the seal of the order on it. I never kept them, threw them into the fire like I was told to do, but it was noticed.   
  
Bole. Richard Bole. Remember him? Year above us, Ravenclaw house. He worked in the office next door to me at the time…he asked me about them - the letters- , said he knew they were about Dumbledore's force against the Dark Lord and he was interested in helping out. Well, he was so nice James! He was Ravenclaw! He was the guy who once helped me out when I got into a fight with Evan Rosier, took me to the hospital wing and everything. I didn't know he was working for someone else; I thought I was doing Dumbledore a favor by telling him things, he told me that he'd spoken to Dumbledore and that he was going to be back-up at certain raids and the likes.   
  
I told him the locations and information to some of the raids that you were on; told him that my great friend, James Potter, was going to be there and that he was one of the best Wizards in the world.   
  
Six months later, in my own house, I found myself faced with ten Death Eaters. I told them that I'd never join them! I'd never help out the Dark Lord! It was just after Harry was born and you'd taken a month off to be with Lily and your son all the time…they wanted to know what you were doing and where you were - where was the great Potter who I spoke so highly of and who had put two of their best men in prison?   
  
What's more, they told me all about Bole. He was there, his face masked like all the Death Eaters. They told me I'd already betrayed you all, just because I wanted to look good by getting another recruit for Dumbledore's side. They were right. It was no coincidence that everywhere you went you were met with some of the strongest of you-know-who's men (and women, there was a woman there as well that night). It was my fault, but I hadn't done it on purpose! I wasn't like Snape, or Rosier or Malfoy…was I?   
  
But I could never tell you about it, because that's when I really did betray you. You all would have hated me if you'd found out. But I think my situation now shows that you reap what you sow.   
  
I still have nightmares about that night now. Remember the Alsops? They had a child, a couple of months older than Harry. It was the night they'd been killed…the Death Eaters…they'd taken their baby girl and brought her along to show me. Because I wouldn't let them know where you were…they killed her in front of me. Not just Advada Kedavra, they…they slammed her tiny body into the wall and smashed her head on the old dining table that I had, carved lines through her skin with a blunt and rusty old penknife. She'd stopped crying almost immediately, but they carried on…told me that if I didn't help them out, that's what they'd do to Harry! I think I actually threw up when one of them literally snapped her neck with their bare hands.   
  
My house never did get rid of the stench of blood and vomit to me. I bet…I bet if Sirius went there now, he'd see the patches of blood by the fireplace, under the rug. They threw her body in that fireplace you know; but none of you ever wondered why my house was so cold from the lack of lit fires. I couldn't stand to see them burning, because all I saw was this poor little child, deformed and bloody…and the smell…the smell never left me.  
  
They told me that I had to tell them where the next important meeting was. If I didn't, then I would die, Harry would die in the same way as that other child and so would you and Lily and all my friends. It seemed silly to resist. I didn't want to do it, really I didn't, but you were all so strong, you'd defeat whoever came to the next meeting. And you did, didn't you?  
  
Before I knew it, they turned up more frequently. Anytime I tried to tell them no, they'd do something terrible in front of me…so I stopped trying. I think I actually convinced myself that I was doing the right thing, and that when the Dark Lord won, I'd be able to save you all because you were my friends. Things became easier if I thought like that…especially when I met the Dark Lord himself.   
  
He told me how useful I was! He told me that my powers were excellent and that I was going to be remembered as a great person. Me! The one who turned into a rat! I liked the praise so much that I let them brand my arm with the Dark Mark. I was praised for my sense of duty to my master and for having the good sense to join the winning side.   
  
But good things like praise never last. Things got steadily worse, about a month before you died. I'd messed up on a couple of bits of information and nobody was very happy with me. He'd decided that he wanted to kill you all off…and I was going to help him, because I was close to you. And you can't say no to the Dark Lord, James. You only saw him once in person, he only attacked you once…and Sirius, well he never saw him did he? Sirius wouldn't understand just how terrifying it is! I know he doesn't, because no-one who's ever been part of the Dark Lord's work wouldn't be able to say that you should give your life for your friends when you know that they wouldn't kill you quickly. You died with one spell, but me? They would have tortured me for weeks, before they did the final two hours of curse after curse after curse until my heart gave out.  
  
I'm not saying it wasn't my fault you died though. Your deaths were to be my convenient punishment for my weakness; I would suffer, and so would Dumbledore.  
  
Well, you know what happened then. And then Sirius came after me…I panicked. I mean, what sane and non-desperate man cuts off his own finger James? I didn't think I'd kill all of those muggles you know - I always thought that what our Defense Against The Dark Arts teacher had said was true; that I could point my wand at him and say the right words, but the most I'd be able to do would be breaking his arm, and that would be if I was lucky. But he'd said that I would be able to break things like chairs and desks easily, the words had enough power in themselves to do that, so I cut my finger off, and whispered the words…the ground was open and I was able to run away from it all.   
  
I didn't know I could kill twelve muggles in one shot.   
  
I had hoped that you'd told Remus though, that I was doing that charm. I knew in my heart of hearts that you hadn't, but I really did hope. Because that would have saved Sirius. How could you have thought that Remus had gone against you? How could you have been so stupid?  
  
But I think I know that answer, don't I.   
  
We always had a strange, sort of one way circle support system between us at school. We never spoke about it, but we knew it was there. I always understood Remus better than anyone else, and he in turn, understood Sirius' mind. Sirius knew you inside out, better than you knew yourself and you…you always understood me James. But there was a problem with that system - there was always one person who you didn't have a direct link to. Me and Sirius had that problem; it was probably the reason why he teased me more than the rest of you - we were opposites. That lack of link was what made yours and Remus' fights legendary when you were at school, even if everyone's forgotten them now.   
  
You and Remus were the best of friends, but you could never figure out what was going on in the other's head. So you took one another at face value all to often. What I don't understand is why you didn't see through me. Were you giving me a chance to deify the Dark Lord? Or were the things that the Death Eaters whispered to me true - that I was never one of the group? That you always thought I was a tag-along to begin with?   
  
I…it's all in the past now anyway. Whatever happened, everything's changed now.   
  
I've met your son, I've met Harry. When I was living as a rat, I lived with his best friend. He's like you, but with Lily's common sense. He's so smart and…well he's a Gryffindor. He's brave and noble and makes friends for life. He hates Slytherins, he sneaks out of school and he's ten times better than anyone else in the school at Quidditch - you'd have been so proud of him. He stopped Remus and Sirius from killing me, but not for the same reasons that you wouldn't have killed me, because you would have understood.   
  
Sirius is free now. Remus was teaching at the school, but he must have been fired because he wasn't there a year later. And that leaves me…I'm back with the Dark Lord. The dark mark binds us all to him. I think this is what Lily called karma.   
  
I don't have anywhere else to go now, except here with him and the rest of the people like me. We're the sinners, who have no way of making up for our sins. The ones who are so far deep, that even if we spent the rest of our lives working for things good and pure, and even sacrificing ourselves for that cause, we would still end up in the darkest pits of hell. Although many here don't believe in that; they believe only in their master and feeding their hunger for power.   
  
I don't. I can still remember Remus telling us once that he would end up in hell, because his curse would outweigh anything he does in life. If he spent five minutes with the people who I now live with, I think he'd realize that he's far, far away from that fate. He's never even bitten another person, but we've all killed at least three. It stuck with me, and I've always believed in it since.   
  
I'm going to have to stop now. If I'm gone too long, then it'll be noticed. I just…I didn't write this for forgiveness. I think I wrote it for peace of mind; I need to be able to live with myself, I need to be able to walk around knowing that at least I've tried to make you see things the way I have to. I can't have a conscience as a Death Eater, so this is me letting my final piece go, I guess.  
  
Happy Birthday Mr. Prongs. Please accept my IOU - one life, to be given in place of anyone you see appropriate and at a time you see fit. Give me the signal, and I'll get there, eventually.   
  
Yours,   
  
Peter.   
  
***

[Edited 15/02/03 : Removal of Remus and Sirius in the last section. Grammar checked to the best of my ability.]


End file.
